My experience with dating apps
My experience with dating apps
Gag me with a spoon
Recently I'd been asked on multiple occasions why I don't use dating apps. My response was they'd never worked for me in the past, and, my results are always similar to what I experience in real life. With real, actual, girls that I interact with and have seen in the flesh up, down, all around. Not girls presented neatly in an array of perfectly curated photos and prompts on my smartphone. Upon telling those inquiring minds this, I reminded them that of those two avenues, one gives a person the opportunity to hide their true selves and identity. The response I would get every time was, 'So tell me again why you won't use dating apps...? It's just how people are dating these days.' So after a while I finally, albeit reluctantly, took the hint and returned to using dating apps several months ago. But, I did so with the intent to share my experience with said inquisitive people so they would understand why I stopped using them in the first place. The following is a synopsis of my experience. For educational purposes only haha.
To provide context, dating never was difficult for me as a teenager. As early as 14 I had a steady girlfriend of two years. There was another relationship at 16. During this time, I became aware of how lonely adults would use personal ads in their local newspapers. It’s just like dating apps with no pics, rather just a small description of yourself. My young brain could not compute, and I therefore thought they were lame. 'Only people who can't get a date on their own in walking life would resort to such banality. Like there was something wrong with them to advertise themselves in a newspaper for a romantic thing, on a blind basis. Nobody thought they were worthy in their everyday lives? How impersonal, how antisocial...'
Then my senior year of high school came around and I found myself taking a break from girls altogether. During this time, I reflected on my past relationships and how I took them for granted because of how easy dating came to me. Also at this time, I was about a year into taking myself seriously as an individual. Transitioning from a dopey teenager to a young dude on a mission. As a go getter, I started to make a reputation based on my academic exploits. Someone who was actively working towards, and achieving goals I had set for myself. For my peace of mind and future. Mediocrity was no longer a comfortable place for me. Walking with a purpose and overachieving, with balance, was.
Funny enough, this is when it all changed in my life. When I was open to dating again, it started to become difficult for the first time. I sensed that girls were no longer comfortable in my presence as they once were, but they also did not want to be far away. Always observing from a distance. This made me feel like a caged animal at a zoo. And this caged animal feeling thing is something I've lived with ever since really. To be fair, during this time period I did physically mature as well. More so in general appearance than overall stature. But I digress...
Since my teenage days, I've seen the transition into modern dating apps. I've always lived sort of near NYC. In my early twenties, their public access TV reached out to my area. One day I caught a local match making show and saw a cute girl as one of the guests. Soon enough after that show, I found myself taking photos of myself to submit for a potential match. Photos of myself I wish I still had cause some of them were really good. But the whole process at the end of the day felt like one of those personal ads. And I was like, nah man. That ain't the way. It's too lame...
Fast forward to my early/mid-thirties after one short yet intense failed relationship I was sort of at my wits end. Far beyond the thought of, 'I'm not getting any younger' which I first had at 27. I thought that now was finally the time to give online dating a go. I felt if I'm not exhausting all options, then I am not trying. By this time, early 2010's, it had become accepted by society. No longer was the moniker of loser tagged to an individual going this route, but still. Personal ads?!
Look, I wasn't happy about it. But, I wanted my nights and weekends to be less lonely thus I swallowed my pride. During this time, I lived in New York's Long Island. Highly populated. Lots of young people. Not a bad place to try this out as in there were plenty of options presumably. So I signed up to a popular, yet free, dating website and a couple weeks later I got the email below.
After reading this I was thinking, 'Wait, does everyone get this email to gas them up?' Otherwise, I either literally or figuratively gave myself a pat on the shoulder, probably spouting out a, 'Good job big boy...' Or something of that nature. Then I thought this may be one of those deals I can tell my grandkids one day. Perhaps this dating website stuff may not be so lame after all.
After this, some time went by having chatted with several ladies up on there. But then they would disappear. One after the next after the next. Back in the day, the predominant phrase for such a mild romantic abandonment would be flaked which is still in use. As in he or she flaked on me. In the early 2010's, millennials had a new spin on this word, ghosting. So I was ghosted several times. I tried to have romantic relations with ghosts. As a reminder, these are by definition non-opaque, or rather transparent figures that do not exist in the physical realm. Seemingly disappearing when the ethereal wind redirects.
To be clear, I chose to try and learn about each ghost for several weeks via text messaging prior to asking them out on a proper date. As they were essentially total strangers to me whom I've never seen or interacted with in person before. So, I felt some due diligence was necessary. Perhaps for some a turnoff but to me a wise, and standard, procedure.
After a few years on and off of trying to connect with someone on this website. After being ghosted and stood up many times, I pulled the plug. No dates for me. None. Back to solely trying to date real people in real life. Emphasis on the trying.
Fast forward to my second attempt, about five years later. Dating in person was still way too difficult and loneliness was creeping in heavy again. Plus, I had a fairly big change happen in my life. Once more, I felt as if I'm not pulling out all the stops to find love, then I'm not really trying. This time however, I stayed away from large commercial websites. They were too crowded. Also, I noticed over the years that woman outside of my race held more appreciation for me. Therefore, I chose websites that focused on interracial dating.
This experience lasted a couple of years. And yes I did get attention, however only one date really. I met someone who lived 80 miles away. We were in constant communication everyday over an extended period of time. We met up once and had a really nice time together but it was challenging to see one another more. Then 2020 happened putting a damper on things, killing the magic. I tried to recover it, but it was futile. So some success, but ultimately not what I was looking for. I wanted more in person time while they were predominantly comfortable just texting and video chatting. Aside from this match, there was still way too much flakey'ness with potential other matches.
It was after this second attempt that I vowed to never try online dating again. And this is when I confirmed, after what I suspected during my first go around, that the experience I was having in the virtual realm was identical to the one I was having in real life. Lots of ghosting just prior to actually having a first date. As mentioned above, I'd rather this happen with a girl I've actually conversed with in real life who I got a chance to see in the flesh. After all, experts in human interaction have been touting for years that facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and eye contact can say WAY more about an interaction than just words alone.
But like I also mentioned at the top of this post, I was challenged to try it again. And I already mentioned I obliged. So present day, it has been nearly eight months of activity on two largely popular dating apps to increase my chances of success. Apps that are for guys and girls of all races, religions, and dating preferences. This is how I've found the experience.
First of all, in this modern day in age with the prevalence of social media and smart phones, ladies have stepped up their photography game. I've seen lots of pretty girls take lots of pretty photos. Secondly, the sheer volume of profiles you can go through is mind boggling and takes up way too much time. Even with free participation.
Now I'd like to give a brief synopsis of the types of common profiles. I've seen lots of nurses. Girls who travel all over with photos in exotic foreign locales. The same travel girls saying how many more countries they want to visit and that you better have a passport. Girls on the beach in butt cheek bikinis. Then you have the dog and cat lovers who clearly state if you're not on board with this then move on. Pics from girls night out all dolled up. And many many more. But not really cause I've seen so much that each profile boils down these few discrete types, essentially making them all blend in together for the most part.
The apps themselves have several prompts to choose from which you are made to finish. Such as: Dating me is like (you fill in the rest here). I cannot tell you how many times I've seen this finished in the following way: Dating me is like (a dream come true). Which is an instant no thank you for me.
In terms of my results, the empirical data is as follows below. I cast a large net age range wise, again, to increase my chances of success. In doing so, I fully expected ladies closest to my max age range (ie close to my own age) to be most interested. What I discovered was interesting to say the least.
Here is a little info about myself: In my 40's, single, no children, but still kinda want at least one child. Active, educated, love meeting new people and getting out and seeing people cohabitate.
34-41 year olds
I barely match with them at all. The few times I do, I almost never hear from them after making contact. One possibility for this result is they may want a man with kids already since they are often divorced with small kids, or have grown kids and at the end of their fertility window. Another is the following, and I'm gonna catch hell for this. I think some simply prefer younger boys, I mean this is what I've witnessed with my own eyes. Once I was even told by the mom of a young child that if her husband leaves her, she's off to the bars to get with young 20-year-old dudes without caring about any consequences or commitment. And also in my experience, I've seen woman remain hot into old age who still seek the sort of attention they can only get when unattached to a man. So they never commit, only keeping superficial relationships with young boys. Quite a few of these types of ladies I’ve seen and it's always been a trip yet ever so odd to watch. So fun for them in the short term, but no room for me.
30-33 year olds
I was hoping this age range would be the most interested. Their fertility is still rather good and any child that would come out of this would have at least one young parent. Given my vintage, I feel as though this is extremely important. However, I've had a very small increase in matches compared to above but nothing to write home about. In other words, they seem slightly more interested than the 34-41 year olds but only marginally. Some already have kids, some don't. Let's say half indicate they would want more children which is great. The childless ones though I don't know. Perhaps those girls with no kids are stuck in their ways a little bit, still clinging on to a type of guy they've always wanted and are unwilling to compromise for. If they have kids perhaps they are most likely extra cautious which I totally understand (ditto for the above group). Plenty of these girls seem great, and presumably dated tons, but are still single at that age which is perplexing. Likewise, they must look at me side eye'd for my lack of spawn and relationship experience.
25-29 year olds
With this range, there has been a decent uptick in matches over the previous two age ranges. In particular, one's late 20's should be the perfect intersection of youth and experience so I am not opposed to dating someone in this age range at all. And they indeed seem mildly curious about the age gap.
A note on the age gaps: In a perfect world, if I could safely have a child with a lady closer to my age, sans fertility treatments, I would. In a perfect world I would already be married with children off to college. Alas, despite my best efforts over the years this is not my reality. I'm just trying to make the best out of a different and difficult situation.
20-25 year olds
Listen, I told you I cast a wide net didn't I? Anyway this, by far, is where I've garnered the most matches. This, by far, is the age group that has given me the most attention as far as interest has been concerned. This, by far, is the age group that has given me the most amount of genuine conversation devoid of mono syllabic responses. Lasting over weeks. Of any of my matches, from any other age range mentioned. It's not even close. In fact, it's like they expose all the other age ranges for possessing an inability to show any interested or hold a conversation.
And just like my other online dating experiences this has mimicked what I get in real life present day. That is, way more attention and interest from sub 25-year-olds than any other age groups. From ladies that are just judging me by what they see and the energy I give off. That is to say, they know little more than what they get energetically from me. It's been perplexing yet interesting at the same time. And I must say, I try not to question it, I just go with the flow.
Now to cap this empirical data off, in the 7-8 months I've been at this, there has been 50-70 matches I've made out of seemingly hundreds of profiles. A handful of several days long, if not weeks long, texting conversations. Again, predominantly from the 20–25 year olds. No in person dates cause when I ask to meet in person they ghost (from all age ranges). Just like I get in real life since I've been in my early 20's so isn't that special. Needless to say, I've often reveled at those that have lots of dating opportunities 'cause my experience has not been the same.
Since I started the dating apps again, the person who wanted me to try online dating again has gotten several debriefs. This is usually delivered to them while sporting a wry smile and a I told you so tone. Sometimes, people don't understand how and why I do things the way I do. And to help them out, I bring them into my life like this getting them as close as I can to my first-person experience.
Experiencing love, sharing romantic interactions is oh so important to one’s overall health. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Not having that is seriously a drag and one huge area that I need to rectify to enhance my own wellness envelope. But in my experience, online dating, or dating apps, has not been successful and takes me away from investing into in-person interactions. Those, after all, are more fruitful and heartwarming at the end of the day. Well, on the extremely odd occasion I can get them. So much for being such a highly ranked match.
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