My Largest Source of Stress
The state of my own life
Recently I was asked what my own personal hell is. My reply was being sober at a packed party full of drunk people. I only gave this answer as a matter of being jovial and lighthearted. In reality, I am living my own personal hell each and every day 'cause the worst case scenario I'd imagined in my youth has in fact been realized. Now I'm left with the task to dig myself out, which is fairly difficult and just plain sucks. All by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Well, for lack of a better explanation. So many successful people have quoted the inverse, being at the right place at the right time. Admitting that this was total blind luck. So I guess I've got that dumb luck.
Back in the day, I can remember a very famous NBA (professional basketball) player being interviewed. In particular it was his response when asked about if his job was high stress. He replied, 'No. Stress is not knowing where your next meal is coming from, therefore I have no stress.' Something to that effect. In essence he was trying to say that he is in fact blessed, not stressed. However, due to his high profile in the top basketball league on the globe, combined with the expectations to win, I understand where the interviewer was coming from.
Personally, I know where my next meal is coming from. And I agree, not knowing that is one hell of a predicament to be in. But if stress levels were discretized, with each different level represented by rungs on a ladder, I genuinely would consider myself only one rung above this level of stress as described.
In major part, it's due to my inability to transfer a solid education into a fruitful career. Over my lifetime I have applied to 13-14 different universities. Two of which were for undergraduate studies, the remainder for graduate school. And not just any old establishments of higher learning. Competitive ones. As in difficult to get into. I was accepted into one third of them. Another third were most definitely interested and I had to physically call or email each to force a decision out of them (these were graduate departments). Why? Well, usually you apply by the deadline in late December or early January. Their decisions come in early March. These places had not sent me anything by mid/late spring. So I needed to know to prepare the next few months for a move. Basically, I was not their first choice but they didn't want to let me go entirely either. Just in case one of their top choices backed out. Such is life.
In short, I was outright accepted without question or heavily considered by roughly 60-70% of these illustrious schools. All of which represented my professional future. Such universities tout the ability to give students lots of career opportunities for decades to come. A major selling point considered by the high achieving and intellectual youth.
So this was good for it ultimately meant that I was wanted. By someone. For something. And I didn't pay for graduate school really. As an undergrad, I got a healthy scholarship as well. So financially things were alright. Or normal I shall say.
After seven and a half years I was done with my tuition. At which came time to put power to the road so to speak, for a second time (more on this later). To transfer my honed intellect, skill set, work ethic, and talents to the work force into a career. No problem right? I mean, one idea of a university education is to gain entrance into a career groove that you can ride for 30-40 years. So you can do things like afford housing, food, and be able to raise a family firmly in the middle/upper middle class. Especially with advance degrees. Right...?
And, for those that don't know, certain universities have a certain cache if you will. Not just the one's with public prestige like the garden variety ivy league schools. That's like saying if you don't play baseball for the NY Yankees as a professional then, as a player, you're a bum. Considering there exists thirty teams in Major League Baseball (MLB) that logic would be ridiculous. Oh, and each MLB club has a triple A team (AAA), a double A team (AA), and single A team (A). Four teams per club. So, really, within the MLB 120 teams exist. In term of competitiveness and difficulty here is how each rank with respect to one another. Note, the symbol > means greater than: MLB > AAA > AA > A.
By most people’s estimation, if you are a player on any of these 120 teams then you are considered an elite, world class, baseball player full stop. And to complete this analogy in terms of my academic exploits. To give an idea of the universities I'm talking about here. If I was a baseball player then I would have been in a lower ranked MLB team, or highly ranked AAA team, in a manner of speaking. Pats myself on the back after spitting these facts.
And in this academic world I was a part of, university ranking matters. A lot. Kinda like the cousin to nepotism. Seeing certain university name on your resume is a plus. And, these universities all have career development centers to help students transition into the real world. Not to forget the alumni associations which allow you to network with other alumni in your chosen profession.
So from my perspective, all was on deck. I've got all of that in the bag. Great education from well respected schools studying an attractive major with a good GPA. Check. The alumni networks. Check. The nepotism via other classmates and some family. Check. All in there. Check, check, and check. Well, after sending out HUNDREDS of resumes looking for a solid career opportunity based on my chosen field of study and all it made me qualified for, I can genuinely say that my rate of success is, well, 0%.
So let's compare. In my days applying for universities so I can attract employers for career opportunities my success rate was effectively near 70%. In my days of trying to get a job that is a solid career opportunity, my success rate is near 0%. So yeah, not exactly zero, but very very close. So what the F happened (is what I keep asking myself)?
Between college and graduate school I had one job that would be considered a solid career opportunity for some. Just not for me. I was 22 years old and this was my first big boy job. It was at a place that, incidentally, is currently a forerunner in the new realm of Quantum Computing. An exciting and scary technology that will make the standard computer technology (or classical computers) we all use every day extremely slow by comparison. I will discuss my experience here in the future.
Post graduate school I taught a lot at colleges to hide out from a poor economy and job market thanks to the 2007/2008 economic crash. None of these jobs paid well due to my adjunct status. So I ended up teaching at two schools each semester. Full time hours, part time pay which equaled a less than fruitful grind. I think you could make more money as a manager at a retail store.
After I got fed up with teaching, I decided to give industry, or the corporate world another go as the job market seemed to open up. So I applied and applied and applied. One resume after the other. After the next. In an endless barrage of application processes. Only to hear back nothing...NOTHING.
Oh, sorry, one or two. But once again, when measured against the vast amount of other jobs I applied for it was basically nothing. AND, the one or two places I did peak the interest of essentially wanted me to produce a project for them as part of the interview. Like imagine you're a barista. Interview for a job at a coffee shop. And as part of the process, they ask you to work several shifts for no pay. Just to see how you do. Even though you both know that afterwards they may say, 'Nah. We ain't feelin' ya as good fit for us.' So you won't get the job. And you don't get paid for your work. Would you do it?
Well because I needed a job badly and wanted to get on with life, I ended up doing this at one place a few weeks after I said no to another. Basically, just to see if they would give me an in-person interview for the previous place I said no too was withholding this from me. So I survived two rounds of phone interviews. Was asked to produce some work for them directly related to what they work on every day, and present it at a third in-person interview. So I obliged. And thanks to my lecturing experience, aced this final installment which was basically a lecture to a room full of people on how and why the software I created works.
Afterwards I thought all was good and expected an offer in the following days. Instead, I got THE rejection email. So they took my work. No pay. No job opportunity. Not even a thanks for your time. Where I come from, and most parts of the world, this is a ticket to a beat down. But in corporate society, and the NY Metro area where people call the cops for the smallest things, I just had to eat that loss.
Looking back at not just this particular experience, but my time applying over all I couldn't help but feel the following. I genuinely thought my lack of success was because I taught at a few community colleges. Well, perhaps not the smoking gun but close. And in America, such colleges are looked down upon for some dumb reason. I mean, they are open admission so I get it to some extent. But you can mimic a top schools first one or two year curriculum and get an even exchange in credits on transfer if you manage to get in.
Anyway, since my education is so sound I was struggling as to what to do. I mean, it started to dawn on me that I did in fact bust my ass in my youth to not be in the very position I find myself in. At the time I didn't consider it to be hard work, I was just doin' my thing. But it was in fact a lot of hard work and sacrifice for I could have been doing other things that would have been a lot more fun at the time. Albeit less conducive to a solid future.
In the event that I was seen as somewhat behind the times due to my extended stint as a mathematics instructor, I would learn how to use the latest software packages and programming languages that had become en vogue, developing a portfolio of my results. This did nothing as there was still radio silence from my different rounds of sending out applications.
It was funny, ‘cause I remember seeing these articles that would state the most lucrative majors. And one of my majors would be on there. Then I would see another article that listed 10-12 schools that generated the highest paying salaries on average for their graduates. My alma mater was on this list. But as I would read these article and see these lists I would jump up and down in my apartment, furiously frustrated, shouting out, 'WTF...?! WTF...?! Why am I so F’ing poor then...?!?!' The type of frustration that was so beyond bad I could/can only laugh. And in fact when I get this way, people are entertained. Men think it's hilarious. Women think it's cute. Something to do with the nature of my reaction and facial expressions. Anyway, you'd have to see it to believe me I guess. But, also believe me when I say this is all born out of anguish wrapped in a laugh and smile.
I'm the type of person that walks what I talk. If I can't walk it, I won't talk it. Full stop, the path that I and my very smart classmates took in college and graduate school was not an easy one. But we all relished in the challenge. And we didn't complain. We all new what time it time was. What was needed to succeed. You don't get into the schools we did by lally gaggin'. You gotta work. You gotta perform. You gotta be consistent with it. You gotta want it for real. This is something you’re born with yet nurture over time. It stay's with you. It's a part of who you are. All these attributes that I possessed which allowed me to survive in these competitive environments are just simply part of who I am...from birth. Yet for some F'ed up reason, those employers I was applying to seem to have forgotten this attribute that all graduates from these school have. The crazy thing is, they all came from the same places as I did which is even more messed up.
Being so disgusted, exhausted, and confused by all of this. Trying to make my education work out into a career for twenty years. It all felt like I was beating a dead horse. But, the investment and sacrifice that I put into my education was too strong to give up. Plus, the financial gain was still a viable option. It was still worth going for. Until it wasn't. Many times along this journey I knew that it was all pointless. But I pushed through with it anyway. 'Cause I was/am stubborn.
Originally I was going to title this post Why I Write. So why do I write? Because I couldn't get a job in my chosen field. And I got sick and tired of trying to jump start something that was beyond dead. I'm not a voracious reader. Discounting my own manuscripts, I've read two books in the last 6 or 7 years. However, my days attending lectures at universities and giving lectures for 10 years has uniquely qualified me to transfer my experience and philosophies on health, fitness, and wellness to the reader. All of which helps me manage the tremendous stress on my shoulders. I also like to include my thoughts, feelings, and emotions towards the ups and downs of my own journey in life. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can learn something from my mistakes or successes.
So depending on whether you dislike or enjoy my writing, you can either hate those corporate slogs for not giving me a job, or thank them. But as of now, I am going to continue writing cause I get to produce and run a business with little to no financial investment. Oh, and I like it so there's that.
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