Self Sabotage

What it's like from the receiving end

When I was tween, or early teen, I can remember one lazy Saturday afternoon flipping through the channels on the TV. It must have been raining outside or something, because that would be one of the only reasons I would be doing so on a weekend. Anyway, I stumbled across this movie that centered around a cycling racing team. It had the typical protagonist/antagonists. Or the 'good guys,' aka underdog cycling team that were competing against well-funded, and well-trained teams full of all sorts of 'bad guys.' As an adult, I now decipher those 'bad guys' as extreme competitors. As a young little dude, they just seemed like pricks. Sometimes ultra-competitive people can seem prickly to otherwise docile, noncompetitive types like I was back then.

I recall one scene when the leading good guy character ran up on a studly bad dude character in a peloton (the main grouping during the cycling race). After exchanging some banter back and forth, the bad guy brandishes a metal baton in his hand, bangs it against his handlebars to illustrate to the good guy that it is in fact metal, then proceeds to chuck it into the spokes of the good guy’s front wheel. As you may suspect, this caused him to flip over the handlebars of his bicycle at speed, ruining that leg of the team’s race. And giving the good guy some serious road rash.

In my life, there have been a few significant relationships I've had. Just a few. To keep the analogy of cycling going, myself and my lady would be cycling through life together as a couple. We were not competing against one another. We had mutual goals. That being the need for love and companionship. But then something would happen out of the blue. These ladies I would be cycling with decided to do the same thing as the bad guy did to the good guy cycle dude above. Brandish a threat, illustrate that the action or behavior they are brandishing is in fact harmful to our relationship, then pull the trigger on the threat.

So yeah, a proper baton in the spokes of the front wheel moment as described from that scene in the movie. But, what these ladies didn't realize is that we were riding a tandem bicycle. So it ruined both of our chances of love. For self fulfillment, and progress as a couple.

But why...? Those people reading this of a similar vintage to myself would understand this as a Nancy Kerrigan moment for myself. Those that are not can search it on the internet. Here is a teaser below.

Well, without the sobbing.

I am not here to discuss the genesis of such self sabotaging behavior. What I am here for is to illustrate what it feels like to be on the receiving end. What it feels like to receive hate from hurt people whom can't stop hurting people. They want to stop, but they cannot find a way to control this self destructive urge.

During one relationship in question, I was dating someone whom I had dated in the distant past. As in, we were teenagers and a bit stupid in the brain when it came to relationships. When we resumed as adults, I thought I was going to have a more mature version of this girl I had such an amazing connection with. As time went on, I realized that those behaviors she possessed as a teen were still present. Most importantly, they seemed to be the source of our issues from the past. As soon as I thought to myself, “I wonder if she is going to do that thing where she drops everything and runs out of nowhere...” BOOM. Gone with the wind this chic was (says yoda).

I was like whaaaa...??

Then what transpired was a dizzying array of really strange behavior from her part that yo yo'd between extreme vindictiveness, to remorse. Over the course of a year or so.

Let me just say that this was not good for either of our wellness.

This only left me confused and puzzled. I was upset that she left our relationship out of fear and an inability to accept the love between us. And I am one who believes love is best expressed through actions, not just gift giving and verbal affirmations. Real life is not a Hollywood film. The accumulation of positive supportive actions and romantic gestures over the course of time is the true determination if romantic love is present. Tangent aside, it is my belief that she is mature enough to agree with me on this point (on why she ran away). As large as my disappointment was, it was her vindictive behavior after the fact that had me most concerned for her.

Without getting into too much detail, I shall describe such behavior as follows. You know in the movies when there are the bad people that are ready to press the button to deploy THE nuclear missiles to jack up world peace...? It was like this girl fancied herself as the villain after our split and over the course of a year would press, nah slap that nuclear missile button at a high frequency to make sure and REALLY destroy any shred of doubt about her intentions. Only to display the complete opposite behavior in the interim.

Let me tell you, it was really entertaining for some, but for myself (and I sense her) it was truly anything but.

This is how it affected me. So basically, the moments prior to instances when I knew she would be around were anxiety filled on my part. Emotions were high for me. Knowing her as I do, they undoubtedly were even higher for her. These were based on the notion that I was still upset at her for chucking the wrench in the works of a good thing between us. And to repeat, knowing her she undoubtedly was upset at herself. Also, we both were undoubtedly upset that she caved into her impulses to self sabotaging.

To put things in a little more context, we had been looking for one another for decades. I stopped looking for her at some point, and when I stopped looking by coincidence she started looking for me...ultimately finding me. I don't think it is a stretch to say that we may be each other’s one that got away. I likened our first attempt, as teens, to two ships passing in the night. Our second attempt at dating, as adults, was as if we were the two same ship that rediscovered one another coming back where we came from all those years ago. We both were like, “Oh sh!t, there's that ship. Let's successfully dock together this time...!” Initially, we were both exited at this second attempt. And it was a VERY emotional reunion due to all the time lost between us. To quell these emotions, I told her it's OK because we've found each other again and we can go from here. We can make up for lost time.

So all of that that she walked away from was the main source of my disappointment and anxiety in those moments before I was likely going to be in the same room as her. If you're thinking to yourself, “Why didn't you just avoid her,” initially I did. But, she was persistent in showing up where she knew I was going to be and I felt like playing the avoiding game all the time was juvenile in itself.

But then there was the consistent self sabotaging behavior that was truly unnerving, concerning, irritating, antagonistic, and harmful. This behavior, as I stated, was habitual and consistent. Part of this vindictive/remorse pattern she established. This was another source of my anxiety. When she would do these things, I would be trying to wind down with friends to forget my own troubles in life. This all made it worse.

During the worst of her self sabotaging, or her vindictive phase, I would not be able to sleep that night. I felt attacked by her, but moreover, I was extremely concerned for this now woman I have such strong feelings for. It was really hard for me to see her behave in this way.

Most people are very perceptive to human interactions and the emotions one displays with their body language and behavior. Therefore, anyone with a modicum of common sense could realize that this girl was acting out. Displaying some sort of pain. The thing is the source of this pain truly was not from me, but in those moments I was feeling her wrath because in her mind I was. Even though I truly did nothing to deserve it.

I'm a low drama sort of person. She knows this. I write this blog all about wellness because I have a lifetime of techniques I was taught and have employed as an adult to keep my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health well sorted. This experience most certainly was not helping.

Self sabotaging for sure may be a cry for help. But pushing away people that are sympathetic and accommodating to your needs, wants, and desires actually makes things worse. You push them away too much, such that they will swing their attention to people who accept what they have to offer. Like myself, these very same people may value their own well being first. Perhaps more so than the self sabotaging type. Secure people understand that if self-love does not exist, then they cannot be of use to anyone on a romantic basis. And secure people want to be at their best in the relationship department.

So why not just accept that fact, learn to get comfortable with it, and not throw it away. You dodge a good thing out of fear, but leave a trail of wreckage as a result. You push away the people who will be the best at loving and caring for you. You cause them pain.

Fix your source of pain, that way you can stop hurting others you really want to love. It would be better for the both of you.

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