To Nurture Love
A few months back, I was asked to write about what it means to be nurturing. It was a response to complaints I was having about happenings, or lack thereof, in my own personal life. The part of everyone's life where romance is supposed to reside. Basically, it was insinuated that I am not very nurturing to those I say, rather, claim I love. And that 'L' word was an issue for me for many years. Bustin' out that one as I have been, including in this post, is something I would not be able to do as little as 18 months ago so freely let me tell you. As I like a good challenge, and genuinely want to foster love and nurture it with those I care about, I accepted. So here we go.
I will start out with the formal definition of the word:
nurture (verb)
→ care for and encourage the growth or development of:
→ help or encourage the development of:
→ cherish (a hope, belief, or ambition):
So all that above, I wasn't doing a good job of... Well shoot...
Over the last few months, knowing this was on my writing schedule, I would think about what this word means to me. And how the lack of this type of affection may have been absent from my end. And how it was causing problems in my own life. As this blog is about enhancing life through physical and mental soundness, this was bad form. Was I shooting myself in the foot...?
I had to think to myself, 'There's gotta be something I'm nurturing in life...' Well for starters, I am nurturing my writing. Nobody reads it, but I still nurture it. But what came even more immediately to my mind was the herbs I grow during the warmer months. Chives, and basil is all I'm up too now. You know your old when you start growing your own herbs... Dang... Anyway, they get watered almost every day and fertilized once in a while. As a result, they grow leaves and things. Which is the plants offspring or babies. I grow the herbs to put them in my food. Primarily my eggs that I eat for breakfast twice a week. So I nurture the plant, to serve myself by way of eating it's babies. Like some mythological character. But, is this not the function of herbs in the first place...? How else are they contributing to the universe...? Assuming you've come to the same conclusion as me, I must not be a monster after all then.
My writing. Keeping these herbs alive. Both are forms of nurturing according to the first arrow-point in the above definition. And to be honest, if I had the opportunity to do this in with an actual human being of the female variety, I believe I would. But for some f'd up reason, these opportunities don't come as easily, or normally to me as it does with the rest of the human race. Well shite.
Continuing along with the second arrow-point in the definition. Helping encourage the development of. I have often had a genuine fear of doing this in the context of a romantic relationship. For if I were to do so, especially early on, I would undoubtedly get my head figuratively chopped off from my lady. All with the underpinning of an insinuation that I dislike, or am not content with, what she has already brought to the table. For certain this has happened to me in the past. Things being taken the absolute wrong way based on, what I now understand as being, some insecurity on their end. Only when I was trying to encourage something that would be of benefit to her. So I've backed off of this temporarily because I enjoy peace, and am a low drama sort of person. Some other dudes can put up with this, I must say I cannot. Being grossly misunderstood, or having my intentions questions on a near constant basis sounds awful to me.
The third arrow-point is a tricky one. As I think the women in my life would like me to cherish them in the traditional sense. Which I do. And have. Their actions in response have told a different tale. For if I try to cherish a hope or ambition of theirs, this is often met with mixed results. Albeit mostly negative. Which is confusing. Which is primarily why I find women to be confusing. Which is primarily why I am single with no children. Just one hypothesis I have. The big Einstein over here I am.
I've always treated people as I've been treated in my days as a kid. And I was treated well. Whether or not I was being nurturing never had crossed my mind as an adult. My guess is that has always been assumed. How this has manifested in adult life is for one being present in the relationship. Showing my heart and soul. Giving a glimpse into my emotions. But not too much. (Gotta leave some for yourself, ya heard.) Most of which is based on feedback I've gotten from significant others, not just by my own self-observation. I mean this is enough for my close friends, and family. And to be quite honest, is something I consider to be normal, based on my upbringing that is. But NO, the ladies I've had romance with want MORE. And exactly what it is not even they are sure. But whatever it is, they want it in HEAPS. And like right NOW...!
So in terms of the third arrow-point in the definition, I have done this. But it's not consistent with what they imagined in those pretty heads of theirs. All of which I feel even these ladies don't fully understand. But, how am I to understand if they don't...? And if I don't understand then I cannot nurture. (Bangs head against wall…)
From time to time, I all but give up on cherishing those I am in a relationship with. For when I do, it never ends well. To be more in-line with the definition of to cherish in the context of to be nurturing, I am cherishing the hope, dream, and ambition of having a ride or die chic. A partner for life. Or for the long haul at least. Instead I get a partner of a few months which feels like I arrived at a three course meal. Appetizer, then dinner, THEN dessert. In that order. Only to have the appetizer taken away from me when I am not even a third of the way done with it while simultaneously being told there will be no more food.
The reason I emphasize the order of operations to the proper three course meal analogy is I feel like the girls that come into my life want to start with dessert then loosely attempt to work backwards from there. With a heavy dose of apathy. Thus from my perspective, there genuinely seems no interest to develop a solid foundation, or rapport, for something that can be fulfilling beyond our expectations. This, in my opinion, renders our union un-nurturable. I may have just made this word up but you get the point. What other conclusion am I supposed arrive at if one does not respond to my attempts to nurture...?
Speaking of arriving, I'm gonna arrive to the end of this post with this story my mom told me when I was a teenager, say 14 or 15 years old. She said one of her friends knew this woman whose son just got married. Although I'm not married and never have been, I've been a part of several wedding now so I know how the drill goes. The ceremony, the kiss, the walk down the aisle as newlyweds, the interim bit in a back room before the reception. Well, this lady claimed in the interim bit. In the back room after the I do's. The bride turned and squared up to the groom, looked him dead in the eye's all serious, and said, 'From here on out, whatever I say goes.' My response to my mom when she told me this was, 'IF I marry a girl and she does that to me, I will grab her by the hand, march her back up the isle and tell the priest to undo what you've just done 'cause I don't want her no more.' Straight-up in my no-nonsense style. Not an eye blink.
And I have not wavered from this stance one bit ever since.
I was not raised with this type of dynamic from my parents. They are equals in their relationship. They both contribute in different ways, and in some very similar ways. My mom, nor my dad, have autonomous control or authority over one another or family/household decisions. A true partnership. 56 years married as of writing this. The reason, in my opinion, is largely because both have been, and continue to be vulnerable enough, and trusting enough, that the intentions of their partner is to nurture for the greater good of each other as individuals, for their marriage, and for the family. Their vulnerability stems from each of them, especially in the beginning, trusting that their romantic partner is not out to harm them. Let me repeat that. They had faith that they would not be harmed by the one they loved. Even when they have been hurt in the past, they trusted that this person who I am giving myself to will not harm me. They trusted and believed they would be safe.
Nurturing to me is when I am with someone I am falling in love with, or someone I love from the moment I first see them. Which has happened to me. And I want to encourage their growth and development as a human being. So they can benefit from it, even if we don't work out as a couple. And I most certainly would accept that, and always have been open to accept that from former romance lady friends. But I really can't say they were comfortable with accepting that from me. Which sucks, and is frustrating all at the same time.
So yeah, I know what the word nurturing means. It may not seem like I do. But how would it look this way when I'm never given enough time to navigate the turmoil ladies from my past have brought into my life. Not that I'm unable too. Rather, the nature of it is so erratic that I must sit back and observe a bit to be able to formulate a solid plan. I mean, these very same girls have allowed other boys time to do this. One's they have run too after the fact. But I'm a proper man, so I guess that makes me special. How lovely life can be. Bottom line though, don't come knockin' on my door when you suss out this to be true about me while simultaneously lacking the ability, or are not ready to, accept being nurtured. Please and Thank You.
I will kindly accept your hate comments below.
To help grow this newsletter please Like, Comment, Share, and Subscribe.
To help support this newsletter, consider purchasing a Subscription.