Quick Part 1 recap. A young man in his 20's interviews two men in their 40's to understand what it’s like being that old. Being in my 40's as well, I am initially confused by their answers. Then, after some time, can relate to them in a small way but for different reasons.
Here are my reasons.
As stated, unlike these gentlemen, I do not feel physically or mentally exhausted all the time. But my genuine spirit and overall optimism for my own future, and to a lesser extent the future of society at large...battered. Torn. Shaken.
To set things off on a proper footing, I do think overtime humankind will persevere and whichever ill direction the world at large is currently facing will be sorted out. The ship will right itself so to speak. This is why I state my concerns for the world are not as large as my own personal ones.
And what about these personal issues.
For this I think it is appropriate to take it back to my days as a youngster, my teen years for instance. Human beings in most industrialized nations have lots of opportunity throughout their developmental years. No matter what has happened in your life up the age of say 13-14, there does exist a tremendous amount of resources and pathways for success to really propel your own life forwards in the correct direction. And by correct direction, I mean whichever direction your heart is telling you is the right path.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve been charmed, blessed, or fortunate. Or, on the other end, unlucky, hard done by, or dealt a poor hand. It doesn't really matter. Once you enter your teen years for real, wealthy societies do have a whole host of ways for one to glide into adult life via a multitude of opportunities, no matter the class system one is a member of.
In my years of experience, I have come across people whom have been fortunate either financially, or by way of coming from a loving family, or both. Likewise, I have also come across people whom come from the opposite side of this coin. In my estimation, their later life success (or lack thereof) had little correlation to their upbringing. Example: I have met plenty of people that come from dire circumstances which made something of themselves as adults. Likewise, I have met those that have had it all to loose, and in fact, did lose it all. One of those two types of folks were self-motivated, the others not so much. Take a wild guess who is who.
So, it seems self-motivation is by in large a determining factor towards a happy, healthy, and successful life down the road. Again, this is according to whichever definition of success you have.
I identify as a self motivated person.
To further illustrate this point about how humans can get on the right track in a big way later in their developmental years consider this more specific example. A while ago I can recall watching a TV piece with a former formula 1 driver, cause I am a formula 1 fan. He is a multiple world champion, whom at the time was in his mid sixties, and was coaching a TV presenter to improve his driving technique around a race track in a sports car. The advice this man told the TV presenter was that what is most important is how you exit a corner, rather than enter a corner, in terms of smoothness. In other words, to navigate a corner as fast as possible, how you come out of the corner is of utmost importance. Turning into the corner can have some mistakes here and there, but not coming out of it.
Thus going into your high school days can be sketchy here and there. But to really take advantage of the opportunities afforded to you (and every other student), you have to be a bit more focused and purposeful for once high school is done, life starts to get real.
Industrialized societies have a pretty robust education system. Although not perfect, there are many different ways one can receive good tuition to set yourself up for a solid shot at a career. It does not matter if you would like to become a plumber, welder, carpenter, theologian, teacher, engineer, doctor, seamstress, lawyer, scientist, or entrepreneur. There are plenty of resources available that would aid the self motivated nicely.
At some point during my high school days I woke up, and realized life is happening now. It has been happening. And I let it slip by just a little. This epiphany came about when I was around 15. It was a proper oh damn moment. From that point on, this self motivated individual that must have been deep down inside me came to the surface. And I was all about my purpose (bars). I became semi obsessed with my own personal success (more bars). Even to the detriment to my own personal relationships. One of which was with a very very special person might I add.
Looking back, one problem did arise however. I did not follow my heart. Letting my go-getter hustler spirit come out was not the problem, but where my attention was focused was. At the time, my feeling was since I missed so much opportunity during my dopey early teen years, I had to make up for lost time. I didn't try any athletics in high school, so starting in college I played for my school’s soccer team (division III). I squandered coursework early on, so I compensated by studying hard in an area that was both interesting and challenging. If I was not challenged, I was not interested full stop.
In the back of my mind, I would have rather done something else, but the red herring was that I was actually good at this making up for lost time stuff. Overnight I became a good student, especially in subjects I was genuinely interested in.
Largely, I now realize what I was doing back then was just following THE ADULTS. Listening to them. Heeding their warnings. Using their lives as an example of what’s possible. In so far as their advice on keeping me safe, warm, and out of jail they were spot on. But in terms of listening to my gut which was trying to guide me towards my life's purpose, not so much.
Really I only have myself to blame. I received a calling, it was there. I didn't follow it, therefore it's on me at the end of the day. But them adults’ man, and their constant advice's that just became a bunch of background noise disallowing me to focus on a path that was slightly unorthodox. Again, perhaps they witnessed my academic talents and encouraged another path based on this observation. A safer one.
Later in life this background noise changed frequency. This was more on the lines of my peers asking me, “what’s going on...?” Personally and professionally things are nowhere near where I or any of us thought they would be at this age. Naturally, my loved ones are/were concerned and had questions once this became evident. They each had advice based on their own unique life experiences, which has led them to have families and careers of their own. These advice's were delivered with such a conviction. If it worked for them it's GOT to work for me was the vibe. The uniqueness to all their advice's led to a plethora of distinct options none of which really suits me as an individual. Thus a cacophony of noise was created, further distracting and disabling my focus. Disallowing me to tune into my mind which I need to use as a tool for getting out of this anomalistic jam I find myself in.
Many times over the recent years I have had to relay the message to those closest to me that I am fully aware of how dire my circumstances seem to others. And because I am experiencing my life in the first person, I was aware of this danger on my horizon well before anyone else was. Furthermore, I have had to tell them that I don’t like to talk about it, I just like to focus on finding a solution...in private. Because of this background noise which is oh so deafening. I remind them of all the hard work and sacrifice I put in over the years has not yielded me anything close to what I was expecting in return. And I remind certain people that I should have been left alone in my youth to follow my heart.
What I've learned from all this is that if you do not follow your heart, you will not lead a fulfilling life. You will be punished in some way.
I further remind them that voicing concerns is a distraction, and otherwise aggravating. I also remind them that they mean a lot to me, and I use interpersonal relationships as a source of escape. To take a mental break from the tall task of getting out of a deep deep hole that I did not think I would ever be in.
I've had to relay this message over and over and over again until those it was directed to got the picture. There is an old saying, “You don't put a saddle on a mustang.” For those who don't know, a mustang is a wild horse. You try to put a saddle on that thing and ride it, or control it...you get dropped. It's best left alone to do its thing. There is another saying, “If you have fire, it can be used as a source of heat for a building. But if you’re not careful with it, you can burn the whole building down.”
So what do I find exhausting about being middle aged...? For me...? It is constantly trying to relay this message to people. Constantly letting loved ones know in some not so subtle ways that I am not like most people they've met and that I should not be tried to control.
This is something that I am just starting to get comfortable with, and cannot resist any longer.
At times I would rather slam a door onto my head over and over again. All over things which seem quite obvious to me, yet is so bewildering to others. In fact, the most exhausting bit of my life now is acknowledging that YES I am the one whom was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. As is stated by the Soundgarden song Fell On Black Days. There is a line in that song that goes, “How would I know that this could be my fate. How could I know that this would be my fate. I fell on black days.”
This is my life. Furthermore, the new background noise I described sounds like metal objects being clanged and banged around. Check out the making of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song Breaking The Girl.
Instead of the breaking the girl, I am trying to break through, to get to the other side of the game. I've been trying to do that ever since my youth. Just like the making of this song video, everything I get into starts out with a killer groove like at the beginning with the 12-string acoustic part. Then I all end’s tits up with this cacophony of noise. That noise is the soundtrack in my head all the time. That, THAT, is exhausting.
So rather than being physically and intellectually exhausted in middle aged, I am just frustrated. I have little to no regrets about how I carried myself throughout my life. More so, I have pride. I didn't always get it right, don't get me wrong. However, I feel like I have always made the best decision possible for the amount of information I had to go by at the time. The best for myself. They say if life gives you lemons, then make some lemonade. Well guess what, I'm not a sweet tooth and dislike added sugar. I'll just go for the water and milk. Leave the lemons for someone else already.
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