The last few days I was talking to a few different people and when I mentioned that I go to bed earliest by 4:30 am they were like, 'Seriously...?' And I would reply with a firm, if ever so slightly sarcasm laced emphatic, 'Yeah...' But why? Why is the question.
Yes yes yes, as I write this we are nearing the summer solstice, June 21st, the longest day of the year on earth in the northern hemisphere. Which means as I turn down for bed, the light is coming up on the horizon and the birds are starting their chirping. In my previous place of living, I had an old red bed sheet as a curtain for the bedroom window. So as I would go to sleep, the room would start to glow red. No matter, I would just pull covers and or pillow over my head for instant darkness. Now, I have two layers of window screening, which will make the entire bedroom near pitch black in the middle of the day. I say all this to mention that I do in fact get a decent amount of sleep. But why go to be so late though?
Back in my college teaching days, the majority of the time I had 8 am classes to lecture. As I lived 20-30 miles or so away from certain campuses, I would get up 5:30 – 6 am. Considering I was living in a region of earth where the traffic was quite bad, two times in as many years I missed entire 8 am lectures due to road closures. As in a normal 50-minute trip went 2.5 hours due to some accident or whatever. Myself and my boss didn't want this happening again, so I told him to schedule me for afternoon and evening classes to avoid rush hour. And this worked. But, it also meant I would get home 10 pm, and dinner eaten by 10:30 pm. Since I needed my food to digest in full, and my mind to wind down from dealing with lecture and 60+ students, I would go to bed 3 am. But not really because my upstairs neighbor would come home from her night shift job around 3:30 am, open her door, slam it shut. Opening it again, slam it shut. But was unsure about the first two door closures and went for a third open and SLAM. Or, she would softly enter in her apartment during this time, but at 4:30 am would decide to sprint across her bedroom back and forth for 30 seconds or whatever. So all this woke me up.
Anyway, since I adopted this schedule I never needed to wake up early which some may think is great. But is it? I don't think so. Here is why.
A few years ago I read this article about the effects of PTSD. I may have mentioned this before in another post but it is worth mentioning this again here. Scientist took lab rats. Administered a trauma onto them. Then, kept half of the rats awake past their slumber time, letting the other half go to sleep according to their normal schedule. What they found was the rats that were kept awake past their natural bedtime after said trauma had no discernible signs of PTSD. Whereas the other rats whom were allowed to follow their sleep schedule did. When I read these results I thought to myself, 'Yeah...I know what you mean.'
So what's my trauma...?
Not sure I would call it a trauma per-say, more so something(s) that keeps me up at night for sure. One of which I will talk about here...which is my perpetual loneliness. When I was younger, this manifested as a distinct sort of pain during my lonely nights and weekends. As I've gotten older, I'm conditioned to the pain. But what remains is a deep seeded concern. Overall, it's brutal.
To be clear I have friends. I make acquaintances. I enjoy banter with all sorts of different people throughout my day. Always have and here is hoping it stays that way! However, I cannot say that I have experienced the same when it came to romance. For when my day is said and done, I leave the places that have the people whom I converse with on a light or jovial level, and go home where I exist by my lonesome. Oh my what a hollow feeling it is to come home after a great day, and there is nobody to greet you. It sucks.
At first I took all of this in stride and was very patient with the pain. Perhaps too patient. Then as I got older a deep seeded concern took place which in reality was/is an anxious feeling about things not changing romantically in my life. Frustration soon set in as well. Eventually, as things did not get better, I became tarnished.
Over time, THE QUESTION would come in. Why are you still single? Or, I cannot believe you're not married with children yet. My response to the latter statement is neither can I. The answer to the former statement has a short and long form answer to it. Which I will provide you so I can fill out this post with, um, words.
Societies default response to this disbelief I get would be, I haven't found the right one. Which is what everyone expects, or is a conclusion that people usually come to on their own. And honestly speaking, that's just a bunch of horsesh!t to me.
The slightly longer, if still ever so short answer more appropriate would be the following. I've met my fair share of ladies over the years, however... When I was in my twenties, all of them, no age appropriate girls wanted to date me. When I was in my thirties, all of them, no age appropriate females wanted to date me. And now in my 40's, nothing has really changed. If any of these ladies truly wanted to date me, they would make it happen. And I don't really care what their reasons were/are. Rejection is rejection. But for the sake of others whom have questioned my relationship status, Why...?
Well, the previous paragraph put things in a vague space. So here comes the long winded answer. It really comes down to two different experiences I have with the same sort of women. My difficulties in getting a simple first date. And my difficulties in keep a relationship going. In this first part to a two-part post, I am going to focus on the first date difficulties.
Look, I realize the I'm the common denominator in all this, this is obvious. Despite this fact I refuse to take responsibility for such a dismal success rate in my personal life. Although I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea whom I fancy, I refuse to accept that I am NOBODIES cup of tea, that is just absurd. Furthermore, what I do detect from the other side of this equation is nothing short of fear. Yeah I said it...FEAR. Fear, discomfort, and an inaccurate perception of myself from the ladies I am courting, whom have all been appropriate matches by the way. Oh, and I've just learned this recently...insecurity. A fear driven by their own insecurities. As if I don't have my own fears regarding our courtship, if ever so short. But I'm willing to see where things go, and get to know them more. They simply don't feel the same.
Sometimes I feel as if they see me like a statue. As if I'm not human. But when these ladies realize I am in fact human, they get scared. Like a statue coming to life. It's truly baffling and excruciating for I just want to make a human connection.
There has been a plethora of first dates I've missed out on. Usually what happens is I will meet a young lady I fancy. When I do so, I like to build a rapport over a short period of time (I do this with potential friends as well). Then, if and when this goes well, I get the urge to advance things forwards to a proper first date. As in get their information. Call them up. Plan a romantic date on a Friday or Saturday night. PICK THEM UP. Dinner, drinks, nice conversation during a long walk. Ya know, something like that. But as soon as I begin to think about this natural next step with some girl who clearly shares the same feelings as I, they usually sense it, because females are intuitive, and bounce. As in flake. As in ghost. As in exit the scenario. And I never see or hear from them again. Unless they submarine, which according to the internet is when they go away and come back at some frequency over time. In fact, I just had a serial submariner hit me up after 6 years.
I'm now middle aged and sadly this has happened a countless number of times becoming the norm. Well, nearly 100% of the time. It's awful and ongoing. I've had SO many ladies flake on me over the years after I feel they led me on in the corniest of fashion that I feel like I'm being force fed cornflakes, the breakfast cereal. I don't even like cornflakes 'cause they stick to my teeth. I've been given so much of it that I could feed a small village. And, if you follow my blog, I'm into eating a balanced diet of minimally processed foods. Cornflakes are highly processed, and carbohydrate rich. But no seriously, it's absurd.
To be honest, my belief is I have had a knack of making a standout first impression. Well most of the time. This I have to thank my parents for. First and foremost for their genetics, both physical and spiritual. Secondly, my mom used to incessantly drill into my brain as a child to look and be sharp at all times, for you never know when you have to make a good first impression, she used to say. And to my estimation, this presentation I have has superseded anyone's subjective stance on attractiveness. Whatever their definition of attractiveness may be. Beyond a first impression, I do believe that I possess a depth of character that once again I would have to say is due to my parents, my ethnic background or culture, and how I was raised. So seemingly I can naturally reel people in with whats on the surface or my aura, and keep them in with whats on the inside. Well, up to a certain point of course or else I wouldn't be writing about loneliness.
At times, it can be a nice ego boost when I'm appreciated for what I bring to the table. For just being myself. Other times it can get a bit much as I've experienced several interesting interactions throughout my whole life from said first impressions and beyond. And I'm not an attention seeker therefore all this would be unsolicited. When this mildly extreme attention happens in front of friends or family, this can be somewhat embarrassing. When it is in the form of jealousy or envy it's just downright evil. Really, I'm used to all this from birth and in real time became somewhat immune to the embarrassment this used to bring on. Regardless, the sheer frequency of all the above can take a toll on me at times. No human being can be perfectly immune to things of this manner.
Staying fit and therefore trim over the years has not helped this by the way for everyone is attracted to a relatively fit human body. However, I use my physical shape as a visual metric, along with my physical/mental performance, as part of a way to gauge my overall state of health. I don't exercise with an emphasis on vanity. Like I've mentioned before, it's form that follows function.
All this being said, most of the time this type of attention is welcomed from those I am attracted to physically, mentally, and spiritually as well. Up to a certain point. The point when it invariably, as one of my friends has put it, gets weird.
The major source of my confusion and frustration over the years has been the dichotomy of receiving positive feedback, especially from the opposite sex of all ages, yet be so alone. When I was younger, this would include attention from older girls. Now that I'm older, this now includes young girls. Much much much younger girls. Which is extra confusing to me. Again, some might be thinking this is a nice problem to have. However, those very same people probably have had a more robust romantic past than I have. In fact, what I have is radio silence.
It's massively confusing, and frustrating, of course because this type of positive feedback SHOULD have translated in more than what I've gotten from those ladies I've courted. And this LACK of engagement I get when things are really just starting out does not make me feel great. It makes me feel like I'm held to an impossible standard because these very same women whom pass on me will choose an alternative in a man that leaves me scratching my head to the point where it'll scab over.
Then there's the matter of the type of women that come into my life. They say you are what you attract... Nope, I have to disagree on that one. I can write and write and write for days about this, but I will save you the verbiage. Rather, I will suggest you watch the following video. This is an interview of one John Frusciante, guitarist of the very famous rock/funk band Red Hot Chili Peppers, back in 1989/1990. The topic of conversation was the women that would come into his life after becoming a rich and famous musician in his early 20's. Please watch (not for the squeamish).
All I have to say is I agree with him completely as I've had several Amanda's come into my life. Anyway, more to come in part two where I talk about how this really makes me feel and how I manage these feelings. And how I try to let it minimize the negative impact on my wellness.
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