This is a continuation to my previous post on this topic linked here. Before continuing please check it out. The following may make more sense as a result.
I've had slightly less than a handful of short but intense relationships. Short as in they last for a matter of months. Intense for the amount of experiences we tend to have together, the roller coaster ride that ensues, and the emotional energy expelled feels like years worth. And, the interesting bit is that the aftermath tends to last longer than the actual relationship. For the sake of this post, I will define the aftermath as the period of time after the breakup when emotions are still high, and things are still up in the air as to whether the relationship will resume. Even perhaps defining a period of time when the party whom left feels remorseful for said exit, or self sabotaging. Ultimately, this also is a period of time when these ladies still want to be present in my life. As in they don't want to spend quality time with me, that would require getting too close to me. Rather, they choose to not expel me completely by attempting to keep me at arms length. To watch me, to keep tabs on me, to stalk me, to stare at me, to experience me from a far. Like I'm a caged animal at a zoo or something. Being not too close yet not too far away. A phenomenon I've become used to in my life. Kind of like when you get too close to a bright light. If you're too close, you'll be blinded (and if it's an incandescent light bulb it'll be too hot). So, you find yourself walking away such that the level of illumination is just right.
Problem is that I'm human, and this knee jerk reaction these ladies have, all of them from my life, leaves me by my lonesome.
At this point it is honestly insulting when I am only given a handful of months for a relationship. How on earth are they going to get to know me in full in such a short period of time? But, they sure do give others more time. Others that I later would learn have been mentally and physically abusive to them. Which makes me feel horrible both for them and myself. It's either I'm so unbearable to be with that getting with an abuser is an upgrade, or, they have issues of their own to sort out. Either way, it's messed up.
Which brings me to my next point. This is where readers must really pay attention and hear what I am saying. In this day and age there does exist good, secure people on earth. As in individuals whom are not dominated by insecurities. If you are past your mid-late twenties, most of them are already taken and in committed relationships, ie married with kids. But some are not, like myself.
I'll just let everyone know that I have never ever exited a relationship. No no, this has always been from the other side. Why? Well, if I actually approach you (or you approach me) and we hit it off past the first few dates then I'm in it to win it. This basically means I already think you're gorgeous, have an amazing personality and, most importantly, possess other qualities than I look for in a girl. During this initial phase, the seeds of love have been sown in fertile soil where there is plenty of sunlight. From this point all we both have to do is water every day and throw down some organic fertilizer. And I do my bit, but the ladies I've been with have not.
What none of them realize is that I am a simple person. It does not take much to make me happy and content. And most definitely they've all given me enough to work with in terms of a romantic relationship. None of them were perfect, neither was I. What they also failed to realize is that I am a loyal dude. To be honest, when I have seriously dated in the past, the interest level coming from strangers of the opposite sex did seem to elevate quite a bit. And this was mutual. But I would never entertain the option of another woman for I already had one, and one is enough for me. Enough of a pleasure and pain. Adding several others is a massive headache for a low drama person like myself. If I found someone else more beneficial while in a relationship that was on the skids, I would simply breakup with her and move onto the next. Having said that, I never felt the need to do this.
For these reasons, I think the ladies I've been involved with realized I wasn't going anywhere and this frightened them. So it's an interesting dynamic you see. They indicate wanting someone loyal, whom gives them 100%. They get that in me... Then they run away in fear for whatever reason. Make sense...? Psychology has the technical answers to this question, or phenomenon, but I still find it baffling.
So now, I would like to reference for the thousandth time my college instructing days. Here we go. When I first started this job, at my alma mater, the students seemed very happy to see me on the first day because, according to them, I was an American and they could understand the words that came out of my mouth. In my math and physics world, there were tons of instructors whom had English as their second language which made things difficult for some students. Beyond this point these particular students didn't really care. They were self motivated go getters that were all about performance (academic and beyond).
When I moved onto state schools in my local area, the students were all smiles on the first day of the semester. Most likely because, unlike their other math professors, I looked like them and talked like them due to our similar backgrounds. Plus, I was close to their age at the time. Then, I would open my mouth to explain the syllabus and how the course would be run. At which time all their smiles would melt off their faces when they realized that I was serious and not going to be a cool professor. I was actually going to make them do normal levels of work (no easy A, let alone D). This reaction never ever got old to me. It was priceless.
Something similar would happen in the few relationships I would have. After the honeymoon phase, which in all honesty is overrated and a misnomer, the relationship arrives at the precipice of this camelot period. From here what is required is to jump off this cliff to enter the new, natural, and more serious phase of the union. I would always jump, and after I would deploy my parachute the realization soon came that these ladies never jumped with me. They chose to exit for reasons they seemingly barely understood themselves. No clean indicator at the time. But most likely, I would say, a fear of commitment with me would always come up in hindsight.
When I would be in the middle of this all it never made sense. Looking back I would always see signs such as the psychological projections I missed. Like Roger Waters of Pink Floyd said in the song Mother, “Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you...” During the relationship, in real time, their fears and insecurities would manifest into what seemed to be concerns which seemed frivolous in nature for the core of our union was strong. In response, I would find myself replying, “Why does any of that matter. Why does that bother you?” As if to let her know, I am not going anywhere. Or such projections would come out as some complaint they had about me, to which I would think, “Wait a minute... Those are the EXACT same complaints I have about her... Huh...?!”
Much like my interactions when trying to get a first date as describe in part 1, the first impression I seemed to make was massive. But with these select girls I actually dated, this means I managed to survive into the first, second, third (etc) date rounds with them. The impression would last and I would receive compliments from them that honestly at times were odd to me. To be clear, this in my estimation would not be love bombing. Moreover, a clear indication and affirmation of what I am bringing to the table with a genuine appreciation on their part. In short, positive feedback. And I most certainly gave my own positive feedback in return, unsolicited. But this type of feedback I never heard my peers get from their romantic partners. At least, not to that intensity. Rather, the feedback they received seemed to be more subdued and divvied out over several months, or years. Not in a few dates. This honestly would make me jealous since I would like to trade the intensity of the relationships I've had for time. In other words, the same feedback, but spread out over a much longer period of time. The ultimate compliment to me is when they stick around and choose to remain present and relevant in my inner circle of love which predominately includes my closest family members. That is what I try to do when I am with them, and is all I want in return. Words expressing love, admiration, and affection are great. Actions are much much better. These words and actions over years, not months, is much much much better.
The romance I've had in my life burns out quickly like a signal flare. Signal flare's are primarily used for temporary illumination with no heat benefit. What I've longed for is a well prepared fire full of large logs that burn slow and true. Providing warmth and a soft light for an extending period of time. This is what I require from love, but I'm only finding signal flares to try and get the job done. Those don't work, and is massively frustrating. Moreover, it makes me feel stuck in quicksand for the more I try to free myself from this scenario, the deeper I go.
The funny thing is, I've often gotten the feeling that these ladies thought I would be better without them. Something that I've been told straight out, or realized in hindsight. So they leave, perhaps assuming I will find someone else that will give me what they feel they cannot. Even though I would always be content and express this too them. No matter, they all move to new relationships. And I don’t because they didn't understand the trouble I have dating in general. So I'm the one who's alone always alone.
To piggyback off of this idea of the type of women that come into my life from part 1, it really goes beyond attracting characters such as I've kind of described. I mean, the distinct eccentricities inherent in the woman that come into my life is not necessarily a turn off. Rather, it makes things more challenging. Furthermore, I am willing to clean up any characteristics that I honestly can do without, which may also pose a threat to our relationship. However, I feel like these ladies are less willing to do so.
And to piggy back off of the feeling of being held to an impossible standard (from part 1), one no human can live up too, I've personally seen my peers do and say things in their own relationships that had me thinking to myself, “What are you doing...?!” as I would pull my hair back from my forehead from being blown away in disbelief. Things I would never dream of doing myself. Feeling like they certainly granaded their relationship. Just as soon as I would react in this manner, things would go back to normal and just be a mere blip in their union. In fact, many of these folks are now married with children from those relationships. This would always be confusing to me because if I tied my shoes or sneezed the wrong way during any of my relationships I would get the inevitable and now obligatory, “We've got to talk. I'm leaving you.” Smh.
Then their was the time when I was told by a female family member that I'm undateable with full reasoning, and justification only understood by her lonesome, behind it. This after I was telling her, and others in the room, in confidence, my dating struggles in a vulnerable moment. So that was a special time to be alive.
You might be thinking to yourself, “Hey Phoenix, just approach more ladies.” Well, when I approach, this is usually what happens (play short video clip below):
On my life this has been happening to me for my entire teenage/adult existence and it's annoying. Yes, even to this day...far too often.
This two part series is a rant for sure, but in reality it is much more than that. It is a deep seeded concern I've had for a very very long time. To classify it as just a rant is dismissive. The lack of a personal life has propagated into all facets of my life for I'm not content as an individual. If this didn't exists, and I wasn't cloaked in loneliness which has created a vacuous existence, I would be more exhausted from all my time well spent with my lady from that day. Thus, I would run to bed much earlier in the evening, and sleep better.
Before people ask me THE question (why are you single?), they should consider this.
For the reader, I think to really help you understand what it's really like I can spell it out to you like this. Consider all of the dates you've ever had, and all the romantic relationships you ever had. Short term, long term relationships. Ones that fizzled out quickly. Ones that lasted. Ones that produced children. Ones that produced marriage. Now consider what your life would be like if none of that ever happened. If none of those experiences, good or bad, over all those years never existed. Rather than all of that time spent with someone as a companion, you were alone. Essentially, substituting all those experiences with nobody and nothing except you and the person in the mirror.
There's nothing like going to bed with a flashing neon sign that won't go off in your mind that reads, “Nobody wants me.” Well, that's what my life is like. And all the above keeps me up at night.
I think it's extremely sad that just by being myself has scared SO MANY ladies away from me. I think it's sad that I've been ready, willing, and able to make a lasting romantic human connection over the years but the ladies I've tried this with have not. Seemingly with no rhyme or reason to it. There is only so much that I can do to compartmentalize and minimize the pain and frustration that comes about from this. It truly feels like I am attempting to sprint through life while wearing ankle weights and a parachute at the same time. This prevents me from accelerating in life like I'm used to while ultimately suppressing my top speed. As I burn the midnight lamp, my mind is attempting to remove these shackles so I can be free. But, when you feel like the only thing left to do is wait on others to see YOU when they never have before, it becomes a disheartening experience.
As dire as this all sounds listen up. For me, spending time with family and friends that will not only give me love, but at times tough love as well helps. Meeting new people on a platonic basis is great. Naturally, these are 100% males because when I approach women on a platonic basis they think I am trying to get into their pants and never give me the time of day. Or they are interested and act as I've indicated above (see short video). Or assume our conversation was about something it never was. Regardless, camaraderie I find is very helpful. Getting stuck into hobbies is very helpful. Focusing on nutrition, both on what is needed for good health and the preparation of foods is helpful (which is a third of what I write about). Exercise of all kinds is helpful (another third of what I write about). Really, all of the above has helped keep my mind off all my concerns to a certain degree.
But ultimately, I find when the rest of the world around me is sleeping to be the most peaceful. This is when the majority of these thoughts, fears, and concerns are put to bed before I put myself to bed.
Wouldn't it be nice if I never had to do this at all.
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