The women I attract
The women I attract
Yet another source or stress
Before I get into this post proper, I just have to say that the few ladies I've connected with on a deep spiritual, emotional, or physical level in my life have been let in for good reason. Overall they've been very beautiful inside and out. Charming. Funny. Interesting. Easy on the eyes. Cute. Sexy. Easy to talk to. Passionate. And affectionate. For me at least anyway. However, one common denominator has been prevalent among them. And this has to do with some deep seeded type of opinion they most likely have of themselves stemming from their lack of a sense of being, um, secure. This had always been pointed out to me by others in my life when they sensed I was none the wiser.
Because of my vintage, I've gotten my fair share of the following statements from people over the years. 'Wait, so you don't have a girlfriend?' 'Why are you still single?' 'I cannot believe you're not married.' That's just a small sample. Some other comments I get are a bit more entertaining and racier but I'm gonna reserve those. Anyway, every time I hear this rhetoric from people I think to myself, 'If they only knew.'
So for those that follow my writing on here, you will know that I like to interject music into these posts on occasion, to help illustrate my point. The majority of which comes from the mid/late twentieth century when popular music was arguably at its highest quality ever. And many of these musicians behind said music led a lifestyle that attracted some rather unique love interests to say the least.
When I was a teenager, even into early adulthood, their personal lives were way in the background due to the nature of society and media at the time. However, stories would come out and one constant was among them. Which was that these musicians seemed to drive their woman absolutely mad. One of my favorite stories is of one legendary guitarist, singer, and songwriter, waking up to his girlfriend straddled over him on her knees with his electric guitar over her head just prior to her pulling the trigger and attempting to tomahawk his a$$. Fortunately for the rest of the mankind, he dogged the blunt force trauma and produced more brilliant music afterwards.
It is worth mentioning that this man had an impressive roster of lady friends... Shy Boy. In light of this perhaps this one lady of his felt justified in her actions.
Anyway, as a younger man, or even present day, from the outside looking in I was/am genuinely impressed that these dudes, whom all seemed cool as hell to me, had the capacity to drive their women to the edge of sanity just by being themselves. Not only was this impressive to me, but honestly in a way added to the mystique of the human beings behind such beautiful artwork. Almost like a performance art piece in a way. Like, their coolness and gnarly'ness had/has such an effect on woman that they could not compute. Kinda like Austin Power and those fembots but real life.
But then I started to have relationships of my own as an adult. Or at least try to as I have had great difficulty getting first dates altogether let alone a main squeeze. Due to this infrequency of love, its taken me quite a bit of time to realize that in the lady department I now have been experiencing what these musicians have experienced, but on a slightly smaller scale because I'm not rich and famous. Be it I genuinely do mean slightly.
Perhaps to some readers erratic behavior, or extensive drama, in there personal lives is just par for the course. Well to me it's not. You see, I'm a low drama sort of person. Coming from a stable household, situated in a stable neighborhood, in a relatively stable time period in my country of the USA has made me this way. Credit to my parents for keeping my upbringing nice and steady. Each had their own ups and downs individually, and as a couple, but sorted things out by the time I was born and protected me from the ugliest parts of this world we live in. So this is why when I'm in a relationship, and things tend to veer towards the direction of chaos I never want to stick around.
You ever see the Guns n Roses Don't Cry video. For those that don't know Guns N Roses is a legendary rock band from the late 80's early 90's. In this video, the guitar player, Slash, is driving with a lady friend down the road in a white '65 Ford Mustang fastback (white with burnt orange racing stripes). His lady friend is SCREAMING bloody murder in his face while he is trying to drive. As a result, he has difficulty keeping the car under control. Until ultimately, her arguing got so bad that Slash shows a smirk and drives the car off the cliff. Killing both of them but most importantly, stopping the screaming...! Aahhh... See the video below. It's a great song with an equally great video.
In fact, I just re-watched it. All of the band members are dealing with girls that are displaying some unsavory behavior based on jealousy and or a lack of a great sense of self and stability. I mean, this is my own interpretation. You can draw your own conclusions how you'd like to classify their actions.
I would say the difference between myself, and the characters the dudes in that video were depicting, is that prior to letting things get to a situation where extreme shouting or even domestic violence happens, I'm gone. I didn't grow up with that. I'm not used to that. I don't want that. And these sort of things don't just come out of nowhere. There are signs given and boundaries tested. Once I see the negative signs, or boundaries are crossed, I'm out. And because these girls are otherwise amazing, I'm not necessarily gone forever. But gone until they realize they can't treat me poorly and be in my life at the same time.
Alas, these very same women just move on with others who accept such disrespect. A level of disrespect that they have experience with, is normal to and thereby acceptable to them. Like a warm itchy blanket that gives you a rash but you keep on using it 'cause it feels like home.
When peers of mine, friends, hear some of the stories I have to tell about the ladies that have been in my life their reaction can vary. Some are honestly blown away by the love story of one particular relationship. Others just downright claim that these girls are crazy. Often commenting, 'Where do you find these people?' Or, 'Wow she sounds crazy, you dodged a bullet with that one!' Interestingly enough, the person that made this dodged a bullet comment was another love interest. I was complaining about a past relationship and that was her collective response. The thing is, only few months afterwards this new girl displayed some behavior that made the other girl I was complaining about seem less mad and more angelic by comparison. Funny huh...
No doubt, a lot of this stuff from the outside looking in for my friends and family seems interesting and entertaining. Just like how the personal lives of all those musicians driving their women crazy seemed interesting to me. But trust and believe, going through this stuff first person is not a great time. It's downright painful and exhausting.
I've often thought, why do these girls I've been with act rather normal with other boyfriends, but not so much with me...? But why though...? They are all great girls having a lot going for them. When we were in a relationship, intense emotional connections had been developed. So it was always sad to me that it never worked out. And a few more so than the few others I've dated. Truly an opportunity missed because I can deal with a little bit of insecurity and erraticism. I mean I've got my own that I bring to the table after all. But alas, I'm only but a human being. I need to have a steady, nurturing, drama free, and low stress environment. I need a lady to be present in my life, not one who commits to being ephemeral and ethereal with me because she thinks it’s apropos for our relationship.
So yes, a major major major source of stress in my life for sure. It's a big part of why I go to bed at dawn which I'm not too thrilled about at the moment. It's also a big part of why I drag my feet and procrastinate in other areas of my life. Not being able to express myself in love and in lust just flat out blows. Having grown up with lots of family and friends always around juxtaposed to the level of loneliness I feel on a daily basis makes me never quite get used to being alone all the time. However, if I have a choice between having someone in my life that brings significant drama into my daily existence versus being by myself I will choose loneliness. Every. Single. Time. Peace of mind is sacred to me. Yet I pray every single day for love to enter my life from someone who is secure in who they are and for the most part is on the level. And honestly, I really don't care if it's someone from my past, present, or future. Just not too far into the future 'cause loneliness is such a drag.
I'll leave you with a smattering of more music videos that kinda fit the theme of this post. Cheers.
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