Where has the time gone
Another installment of the I'm getting old series
For those that have been around a little while, you will know that I've already posted on what it’s like to get old (part 1 | part 2). And, most importantly, how certain aspects of this process are keeping me up at night (part 1 | part 2). Well, in this post I'm am going to talk about more of the same. But kinda from a different point of view, in a way, I guess.
Look, I write ALL about how one can improved their wellness, or their overall quality of life. Like the other posts linked, this one will discuss some things that set me back. As in take away from my progress towards a well tempered health profile. Those posts on aging and going to bed in the early morning hours highlight some of those very, um, things. For right now at least, these seem unavoidable so I just deal with it best I can, which I try and share with everyone. Yet just the other day I was reminded of something else I contend with from time to time, that I wish I didn't have to. Or perhaps this is just human nature, I don't know. Or perhaps because I am bored because I have no family life of my own.
I was either watching YouTube while eating lunch, or at 3 am trying to wind down for sleep. Can't remember... As of late, I've started to watch reaction videos, particularly of younger people reacting to music they've never heard before. Music I grew up with. In a way, seeing them reacting to these songs is like I get to discover them all over again from a fresh perspective. In another way, I'm just watching people watch music videos which is weird. So this one girl was reacting to the song Change (In The House Of Flies) by The Deftones.
This album came out when I was 23. A coworker of mine burned me a copy on CD which I still have. So while watching the reaction video, I was not paying attention to the girls reaction. I was watching the actual songs video that she displayed on smaller sub screen in the corner. And within said music video, I was not paying attention to the band. I was paying attention to the actors during the party scenes. Then in the back of my mind I was like, 'Wait, they are young there. And they are all my age...there. But now we're old. Therefore I'm old. Wait, Wha...?' Obviously some, if not all readers must be saying to themselves... 'Look at el capitan obvio ovah there...' Yeah I know. But what actually happened though. They're old, as in middle aged like me now. WTF...? No way...! They, we, I, am forever young. Right...?
Ditto when I've recently (several months back) watched the video for the song Crawling by Linkin Park. Once again released when I was 23. I can remember when I used to watch this back in the day. How the girl with the piercing blue eyes in the video reminded me of someone I once dated. Not for her looks (although both are beautiful), but for what her character was going through in the video. When I watched this a few months back it was a similar reaction as described above. We are older now, but she is immortalized in that video. Preserved in her youth. My own thoughts, feelings, and emotions from back then are similarly frozen. When I think back to those memories, I almost relive them. But her and I, and the band in the video are all much older now. So how did that happen exactly...? And am I immortalized in my youth as well in some way...?
(I found this girl on Instagram. To my knowledge has a child and a proper cougar. Good for her. @katelynrosaasen08)
OK so I just watched this again as part of writing this. Their music, that aggressive sound, and subject matter to the lyrics of this song (like many other from the day) struck a chord with me back then. You see I was embarking on a somewhat dark path in life and knew it. By just being in the wrong place at the wrong time really. I was not happy with this AT ALL and I didn't know what to do about it for several reasons. Which is hard to admit 'cause I always know what to do. But this one was a massive curve ball coming from left field. So unawares I was.
Rewind a little from my present day as I write this, and I'm in my early 40's and find myself in my home town for some time. After having been gone for a few decades.
I'm shopping at a local grocery store. I turn around and recognize a girl, nah woman. We lock eyes a little bit or whatever. But not really. You know how those moments go. When this is happening, I simultaneously realize that this is in fact one of my high school buddies ex-girlfriend. And the last time we saw each other, the last time I saw that face and her cheerleader's figure which she still possessed, was when she was 16 and I was 17. It was her, the same face, but older. Like unusually older. You could tell that she must have had a similar reaction to seeing me during that encounter in that moment. For both of us it was like a woah... Hold on... What's happening sort of thing that is hard to describe.
As I was driving away I was trying to understand what the genesis of all her wrinkles were. It was like her same exact 16 year old face, but with an unusual amount of wrinkles for a 40 year old. No sagging corners of the mouth and eyes, or jowls, which are a tell tale sign of aging. (You know your old once you understand what jowls are, let me tell you.) No no. It was as if someone took a picture of her from high school and digitally imprinted wrinkles. Nothing more. As I contemplated this I remembered the following.
One day senior year I had to pick up my friend, her boyfriend at the time, on our way to the school in the morning. The road to his house had been closed by the fire department. After some explanation, the firemen let me drive down the closed road to pick this dude up. When I did, I learned a little bit of what happened. There was a large screeching tire sound he and his family heard from the house. They thought someone was doing a burnout in their car. Now this guys girlfriend lived down this closed road. They had just started dating and was taking the bus that morning. Her little brother, then in middle school, had the day off but was at the bus stop that morning riding his bike around with a friend. I guess to kick it with his sister and other high school'ers from the neighborhood. Turns out, the large screeching sound was someone frantically trying to stop their car, so their brakes locked up. And why were they trying to do this...? This girls brother was riding his bike on the road. The car was traveling at a high rate of speed... This girl saw her brother hit and killed by this motorist.
And that's when I understood. All that pain and suffering from witnessing what she did 24 years in the past, in my opinion, made a lasting imprint on her face all these years later. She did not appear to be looking older than her numeric age, but, she obviously did appear different from what one would expect from a 40 year old woman. I can still remember being around her all those years ago after that accident. How bad we all felt for her. To my recollection she was great, and her parents sounded nice as well. We would hear how they were dealing with it. Seemed like a tremendously rough road. I wonder what would have happened to that kid. To our community, cause it shook us all up a bit.
Back to around the same time as this grocery store encounter, I was at my local soccer fields to train. Since I don't get to play as much with actual people like I used to, I train by myself for exercise, and for strengthening my weaknesses for when I get to do this again. Anyway, I was all finished, removing my cleats, and gathering my things at the car. At the same time a 13 and under girls team was occupying one of the fields at the beginning of their practice. Near my car, some of their parents were gathered. As I was sorting things out in and out of the car getting ready to leave I couldn't help but overhear what they were talking about. Which was how nasty their girls soccer gear was when left in a corner of their home all sweaty. I'm listening and hearing these parents talk while simultaneously becoming triggered by their vernacular. A distinct 90's New York tri-state one. Out of the corner of my eye I see how their dressed, like it's 2005. Then I'm glancing at their faces thinking to myself, 'Oh F_ck. Where the same f_cking age...' So like they have 12-13 year old daughter. And my dumb a$$ is training alone on some soccer field, 'cause I have no kids or family of my own. I couldn't help but think how I could have rubbed shoulders with some of those parents back in the day at some party. But they went on distinctly different paths from myself. So like wait... What...? What happened.
These four experiences I've just described are a fraction of what I've encountered since, I don't know, my mid/late 30's. Well, not exactly like this in the beginning but in some sort of way. Point being is that, at least to me, it is such a MIND F_CK, when these things happen. I can remember being 23 like it was last week. I can remember my early 30's like it was 48 hours ago. Reminders of where I, and others from my age group came from, is honestly a strange experience. Being brought back to those times and places in my past also come with reminders of mistakes that I made. Funny enough, I don't remember the triumphs I had back then. Perhaps 'cause they were so few and far between. Anyway, this is when the ruminating, replaying, rehashing, and ultimately searching for a way to overhaul these mistakes to somehow make them right again happens. As if I have a time machine so I can apply this patch to improve my present day. Nah, this is NOT good for me but I am human after all.
Focusing on the other bits I write about on here. Eating well, exercising, having friendships and romance when possible which is not very often at all does help. But dammit, shouldn't I/we be able to go back and fix the past. Even though our behaviors and actions were not the genesis to our own demise...? Surely this must be possible...
I'll end with this. Around the time of my 34th birthday, I was unusually sad. Never before or since had I ever been sad around or about my birthday. Friends and family called me up on this birthday as usual back then, which I was and am still am thankful for, talking about how things will pick up. Or a, 'hey I wish things were going different in a good way for ya.' My reply to all of that was, 'yeah me too.' So I thought those commiseration statements by them was unusual at the time because I was just being me. As in no different from any other birthday I had. But they felt the need to come out and say this stuff for some reason. Then all of a sudden I wanted to listen to Dark Side of the Moon again. An album by Pink Floyd. I hadn't listened to it in years at that point. When I got to the song Time I payed attention to the lyrics. Especially the bit that goes like '...and then one day you find, ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun...'
My response to all that as a newly anointed 34 year old dude was: 'yes I have found ten years have got behind me. But nobody had to tell me when to run. I was right there on the starting line with everyone else. And most certainly DIDN'T miss the starting gun. I was right on time.'
The song is about making the most of the time you have on earth. Not to lollygag. To live in the moment and take life by the horns and will it into what you want it to be...for you. And that is most certainly what I did... BUT, if you haven't guessed already, this didn't exactly work out for me like it did for others. And that sh!t makes my eye twitch somethin' fierce whilst my blood boils...
So I'm supposed to start meditating now. I'll keep you posted on how that turns out.
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